In these situations, you might brace for the classic “fight or flight” reaction and feel relieved if things stay calm. But just because someone agrees, stays silent, or makes a joke doesn’t mean they’ve truly accepted what was said.
The “fight or flight” stress response evolved to help mammals survive life-threatening danger. It triggers an instant surge of hormones and physiological changes that prepare us to confront a threat or run from it.
While modern life rarely involves being chased by sabre-toothed tigers, many of us still live with chronic, low-level stress. As a result, we can overreact to situations that are not truly dangerous, like a difficult conversation at work.
In fact, we now understand there are more than just two instinctive responses to stress. I regularly see these play out in the conflicts I help resolve.
Table 1 outlines seven different stress responses I observe and how leaders can respond constructively. Recognising these behaviours can help you lead more effectively, manage team dynamics with greater insight, and avoid costly misunderstandings.
People’s reactions to conflict are varied and often misleading. Leaders frequently take surface behaviour at face value:
— The quiet one agrees quickly, so we can “get on with it.”
— The person avoiding meetings is “just busy.”
— The one who gets fired up is labelled “difficult.”
But if you misread these reactions, you risk making poor decisions without genuine buy-in. Worse, team members may feel overlooked or misunderstood, leading to resentment or disengagement.
Being able to recognise and respond to these patterns helps you not only diffuse conflict but also build trust. When your team feels safe to speak honestly, you benefit from their real views, not just their filtered responses. Developing this kind of emotional intelligence starts with being curious, not reactive.
Often, these reactions are rooted in self-protection. People who have experienced trauma — or who didn’t grow up with emotionally safe relationships — may react more strongly.
According to American psychotherapist Pete Walker, individuals who received “good enough parenting” tend to develop a healthy mix of these responses and apply them flexibly depending on the situation.
For example, in a workplace setting, someone might draw on a bit of “fight” to be assertive without becoming aggressive. Or they might lean into “freeze” and choose not to have the last word, letting a tense moment pass.
If you are dealing with someone reacting strongly, Table 1 includes practical ways to respond without escalating the situation. Often the best move is to take a pause and set a time to return to the conversation when emotions have settled and the rational brain is back online.
And sometimes it is actually you who may be reacting unhelpfully. Learning to manage your own stress responses is another skill entirely, and one that is well worth developing, perhaps with the support of a coach or counsellor.
But whatever you do, please don’t measure your success by how you react to any teenagers in your life. They are a special type of human who are designed to push our buttons!
— Kate Keddell is a mediator of workplace and business disputes at www.katekeddell.co.nz
