‘Please hold the line’ – Ben Hurley dials up waiting music options

Silence is golden, according to the adage. But silence would be deafening when it comes to the often unbearable and ubiquitous human experience of being kept on hold. That’s why hold music was created. Comedian and Seven Sharp reporter Ben Hurley investigates whether there’s a better alternative to hold music.

“Your call is important to us.”

Is it? Well then, why is it taking so long for you to answer?

“We are experiencing busier than usual caller volume.”

Funny, I think you say that every time I call. I must just be unlucky.

“It might be quicker if you check out our website.”

Oh really, your website? I never thought of that. What if it’s your website I’m calling about? Have you ever thought about that?

“If you hang up, we can call you back.”

I’ve heard that before, mostly when I was single.

“You are number FIVE in the queue.”

Oh good, now here’s Brooke Fraser, Crowded House, and Dave Dobbyn playing in glorious mono on repeat.

I’m sure you’ve had a version of that conversation before. It’s a conversation with no one for no reason but to entertain yourself. You end up sassing the automated voice designed to placate your rage as you endure one of modern life’s most inconvenient struggles: Being put on hold.

We’ve all been on the receiving end of hold music, phone in hand, waiting impatiently as the minutes pass by. And those minutes soon rack up. For context, according to a study, New Zealanders spend an average of 10 hours every year on hold.

Firstly, let me just say that I have nothing against those wonderful Kiwi artists I mentioned above. Welcome Home by Dave Dobbyn used to make me openly weep when I lived overseas, and it would randomly shuffle onto my headphones while I sat on the London Underground.

However, hearing that haunting yet uplifting tune when you’re 30 minutes into an on-hold marathon because your phone, internet, or flight app has stopped working is not probably how Sir Dave designed it to be enjoyed.

When interviewed by Jeremy Wells on Seven Sharp, Neil Finn recently made a tongue-in-cheek apology to everyone who has “had to listen to my songs while on hold”.

No one likes being on hold, so hearing those classic songs might evoke negative associations with the frustration of being in the call centre waiting room.

I’ve always wondered whether the artists get paid for having their songs played by the on-hold DJ. Surely, that would at least be some compensation for the ignominy of being one of those artists.

Artist royalties

The New Zealand music licensing agency, APRA, told me the short answer is, “Yes, of course they do”. How much they get paid is a little more complicated.

Big companies generally pay for a subscription service to use the music, and a portion of that eventually goes back to the artist.

However, without putting too much shade on the general structure of the music industry, I wouldn’t think anyone is getting rich from their hold royalties.

So, someone like Neil Finn probably doesn’t need that money and can comfortably complain about it.

Others who didn’t necessarily have the good fortune of being a major recording artist at a time when people still actually bought physical music might quite like the hold music cheque when it comes in.

All this got me thinking: Why does it have to be music we listen to while on hold?

Maybe we could be using that time better. Many suggestions came forth when I quizzed my friends and colleagues, including but not limited to:

I decided to pitch some of these alternatives to those making these decisions.

Jon Andrews has the impressive title of general manager of customer services and digital services at Auckland Council. The call centre he oversees handles calls about everything from rates bills, to noise control complaints, to the reporting of wandering dogs.

He rightfully pointed out that while hold music might get a little repetitive, it is possibly not as grating as hearing positive affirmations and one-liner jokes while hiding from a rabid dog that’s appeared on your front lawn.

Also, Auckland Council has an impressive average of only 1-2 minutes for someone waiting to talk to an actual person. Andrews was very proud of this fact, highlighting that it might not be long enough to get through many quiz questions.

That’s all very well and good for the council, but what about the big ones? The telcos, the airlines, and the internet service providers. Why didn’t I pitch these ideas to them?

I’ll be honest: I tried. I called, was told my call was important to them, was put on hold, and gave up after the third playing of Weather With You.