When Sarah Clarke was a therapist she noticed an alarming amount of women were coming to her feeling depressed and anxious because they had lost touch with their friends.
She says many of them had friends who had moved away or were too busy and they hadn’t replaced those social relationships.
“A lot of the stuff could have been cleared up with a friend over a coffee and here they are paying for me and so I thought we’ve got a major problem on our hands.”
So she took it upon herself to create Find Your Tribe to help women connect. Clarke says she doesn’t believe it’s hard to make new friends but it’s hard to meet new friends.
“At school you’ve got 100 people and suddenly you’ve only got three people at work. The opportunity isn’t there.
“There isn’t actually anything you can say to make a friendship like when you’re dating you can specify what you’re looking for.”
What the figures show
In America, a recent study found only 32% of those surveyed under 30 had more than 5 close friends. In New Zealand, in the 2021 Wellbeing Statistics Survey, the majority of people surveyed (38.7%) reported having 5 to 10 friends who help and support them.
The results also showed 8.6% of people reported having 0 friends, 17.7% of people reported having one to two friends, 24.5% reported having 3 to 4, and 10.5% reported having more than 11 close friends.
In the 2023 Wellbeing Statistics Survey, 72.8% of people felt they have about the right amount of contact with friends, 24.1% felt they had not enough, and 3.1% felt they had too much.
It’s hard to take friendship to the next level
Through Find Your Tribe, Clarke has created events for women to meet up and connect.
She says adults aren’t great at pushing it to the next level like when you connect with someone and want to meet up again.
To make it easier, she says, the sole purpose of the events is to make friends.
“There’s a variety of different events hosted by fellow tribe girls. Things like going to the movies with someone or going out for dinner.
“Everyone at the events are there to make new friends.”
Lockdown highlighted people were struggling
When Rose Hope, 35, came out of the Covid-19 lockdown, she was desperate for connection. Did she remember how to have fun? Would she still be good at it?
She was also aware outside of the lockdown the struggles other people her age faced making friends.
“It used to be so much more prevalent such as having sports or church but we’ve become more insular. We work from home, we study from home, so our social circle and network is becoming smaller.”
Because of this, and believing others her age felt the same, Hope started thinking about what she could do about it through the business she co-founded, Crushes – a shop and community space on Auckland’s Karangahape Rd.
First they started with events like speed dating and meet a mate.
“We kept hearing about people who’d had a friend move and then were struggling to find their community.
“Two people who met at the first speed dating event have travelled the country together and met each other’s family. It’s been warmly received.”
Hope believes it is harder to make friends as an adult and puts it down to a lack of ‘third place’ in modern life.
“You’ve got your house, your work, but where else do you go?”
At their events they try to make meeting people as easy as possible without the awkwardness.
They host get-togethers with an activity such as crafting or mahjong which helps to break the ice.
“The cornerstone is our Auckland clothes swap where 450 people come in and swap clothing.
“All events focus on our values of sustainability, creativity, and community.”
Hope says every time they post about one of their events on social media she says they receive an outpouring of comments asking them to host them around the country.
“When you’re alone it can be painful.”
Friendship is vital to our health
Matt Hammond, researcher of psychology at the University of Victoria, says relationships are vital to our health and actually help us to live longer.
And actually, it doesn’t have to be a lot of friends – just one close relationship or friendship does the trick.
“People underestimate it. People have a grasp that loneliness and depression are important topics but not the magnitude they have. We need more research that communicates how important it is.”
Hammond explains one of the things people need most to make new friends is exposure to people. When you go through school and university you have a lot of exposure to new people and it is rife with opportunity, he says.
“However in adulthood, that opportunity becomes limited.
“There is little pressure to go out and make a friend. If you already have a best friend, it makes it a lot easier.
“If someone doesn’t have any close connections, it is a huge effort and [it’s] really vulnerable to put yourself forward and potentially be rejected.”
