Sofie Louise is a trained sex and libido coach who is passionate about supporting women to access more desire, pleasure and radiance in the bedroom.
ADVICE: Generally, if your relationship isn’t thriving, your sex life isn’t going to thrive either. This applies whether you’re in a relationship that is filled with stress, arguments, and feeling unloved, or one where both parties have simply become complacent and stopped feeling as excited by the relationship.
It’s likely that your relationship didn’t start like this. During the honeymoon phase, your brain releases so much dopamine that you can feel euphoric, thinking that your partner is the most perfect person you’ve ever met.
This period can last anywhere from a few months to a couple of years. It tends to be the point in a relationship where the quantity of sex is highest and is a time that many of my clients seek to return to.
The end of this blissful period is a natural and inevitable part of every relationship’s trajectory. However, this doesn’t mean that things need to go downhill from there.
Despite now having a better understanding of your partner’s flaws, pet peeves, and differences in lifestyle, there are simple, flirty tools that every couple can use to enter into a new, longer-term honeymoon phase where you feel like you’re falling in love once again.
While dating, many couples crave each other’s company (and bodies) so much that they can’t bear to shower alone, despite perhaps having a small shower and disagreeing about what temperature the water should be.
Showering together is a habit that often gets lost when couples have been together for a couple of years, along with taking off each other’s clothes before sex or bedtime. As the novelty and dopamine diminishes, each party tends to get more complacent in what they’ll do together and for each other.
However, if you want to feel like you did at the start of your relationship again, that means mimicking the behaviours that you did then. This can include washing each other’s bodies and hair, and not having your partner take off their own clothes at the end of the day, along with reversing other small habits you may have gotten into.
Beyond these quick acts of admiration and care, you can also commit to regular date nights together. These could be once a week, fortnight or month depending on how busy each of you are (though an important part of this is that you prioritise making time for each other above other activities in your schedules).
These date nights are an opportunity to create special, memorable experiences together that include giving to each other in your love languages. For example, if your partner appreciates receiving acts of service, perhaps you take it upon yourself to wash the car before driving them to the beach with a homemade picnic and cocktails. Or, if your wife loves physical touch, you might get a couples massage before heading out to dinner.
While dates are a usual part of the courting process, it’s easy for them to get put in the too-hard basket after you’ve been together for a decade with kids and work stress. However, prioritising these dates can help your partner to feel prioritised, something which will only benefit your relationship.
For the couples who are serious about bettering their relationship, these action steps need to be supplemented with other tools like bettering your communication, taking radical self-responsibility for your role within the partnership, and valuing your partner’s needs and wishes as highly as your own. It’s a combination of simple tools alongside doing the deeper work that will create the most sustainable results within a relationship.