Have you ever felt like a lost dog walking around in circles? That’s me right now onboard Regent’s Seven Seas Grandeur.

I’ve been chasing my tail around the decks of this brand-new ultra-luxury cruise ship and don’t really know what to do, where to sit down, or if it’s acceptable to go full golden retriever in the swimming pool.

It’s not that all of the cosy nooks with sinkable couches and lounge chairs dotted around the top deck are occupied. Or that cruise director David has left gaping holes in the entertainment programme. This is the quietest, fanciest cruise ship I have ever been on. A stark difference from past experiences at sea loaded with all the bells and whistles.

The latest addition to The World’s Most Luxurious Fleet is more old world glamour, meaning that you’re supposed to elegantly ease your way into your holiday instead of nose dive right in. It’s also preferred that you dress up for the occasion.

Regent achieves its quiet calm and an extraordinary amount of space per guest by limiting the capacity. At 548 crew to only 744 guests, Grandeur has among the highest staff-to-guest ratios in the business, which ensures passengers feel comfortable and looked after.

You’ll even find delightful touches in the most unlikely places.

La Veranda isn’t your typical cruise ship buffet. The tables here are draped in long sheets of white cloth, the chairs are covered in feather-soft brown leather, and the crew are so personable that you could easily lose an afternoon to chitter chatter.

On the menu today is veal scallopini in mushroom sauce, best served on top of the creamiest mashed potato you’ve ever tried. Elsewhere, there is cooked-to-order minute steak and swordfish, mountains of fresh prawns, bouillabaisse and paella, and little tomatoes stuffed with ancient grains.

And I can guarantee that you’ve never seen such beautiful butter chicken. It comes with poppadoms rolled up to resemble cigars and you can eat it alongside wine by way of France and Italy. It’s a classy take on the most humble of offerings, unless you fancy tackling lobster nachos with a knife and fork at the pool grill.

There are seven restaurants in total onboard Grandeur, all of which are included in the fare, and some of which are reservation only. Behind a stunning cherry tree with blossoms crafted from glass is Pacific Rim, a restaurant specialising in pan-Asian cuisine. Elegant French-inspired restaurant Chartreuse is all about dishes topped with caviar, black truffle and foie gras, while Prime 7 is known for its decadent cuts of meat, and a couple of Picassos hanging from the gib.

Even the dining room of the main restaurant Compass Rose is a sight to behold. Here, pillars are lit up like tree trunks reaching to the heavens. Even though there are only two house wines on offer, the sommelier walks around each table with a silver goblet strung around his neck to make sure the bottles haven’t spoiled. The plateware is fittingly stamped by the house of Versace, but you won’t be eating off the big-budget designer crockery – in a major flex from the cruise line, the dishes are only for display.

In the main atrium is another popular showpiece with passengers looking for a photo opp. Inside a glass case is the first Fabergé Egg permanently installed at sea. The green-blue ornament is made from white gold and encrusted with pearls and diamonds, while seven wings, which open upon rotation, represent the seven seas on Earth. It’s an ugly little thing with an undisclosed price tag.

Here on deck 5 and everywhere else around the ship you’ll notice an extraordinary amount of art. The ship’s 1600-piece art collection is valued at US$9 million (NZ$14.4 million) and it can be viewed at your own pace through the self-guided Art Experience. I spent my second morning unlocking information about different pieces and their artists before stopping short in the onboard library.

I usually struggle to open a hardback at home so it’s a real treat spending the next few hours here lost in pages and enjoying an ambient soundtrack where the only commotion is paper turning. The quiet space is lined with shelves of destination guides, classic literature and coffee table books.

From here, there’s nowhere else to go but the Observation Lounge for a beverage with piano accompaniment or the day spa for a hop between the cold room, aromatic steam room and sauna. It’s a tough choice when you are trying to relax, so I do both and then curl up for the evening.

The art of doing nothing onboard Grandeur isn’t boring, scary or uncomfortable but a real luxury. The price is at the higher end, but with everything included in the fare, from double-wide balcony accommodation to alcoholic beverages and unlimited shore excursions in every port, the experience is well worth it.

Fact file:

Upcoming sailings onboard Regent Seven Seas Grandeur include Mexico and Caribbean sailings and its inaugural Mediterranean summer season. Prices range from US$5169-95,999 (NZ$8283-153,844) per person. See: RSSC.com

The writer was hosted by Regent Seven Seas.

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