In 2020, LinkedIn named “pivot” the word of the year, and many considered it the most overused word of 2021. It became a shorthand way to describe changing a business to adapt to social distancing and other pandemic restrictions.
I use it in the sense that I encourage people I work with to “pivot” away from the story they have in their head about a conflict they are stuck in.
What story have you had reverberating around your head in 2024 that you want to let go of in 2025? Who at work (or outside work) are you having a running battle with? Is it wearing you down?
Isn’t it great to have a break from them? Well, what is going to change when you go back to work?
The American mediator Tammy Lenski has developed a three-step process to help people facing questions like these:
1. Pivot away from your “stuck story” and lean in to the message it is trying to tell you.
2. Pivot away from the other person’s behaviour and look at your own.
3. Pivot away from the past so you have freedom to decide what solutions are in your control.
Your “stuck story”
This is the movie you play on repeat in your head. You will have a headline role, co-starring with the person you are fighting with. The plot may have started with low-level conflict avoidance, building from classic passive-aggressive scenes to a climax where one of you finally had an outburst, seemingly over nothing.
The story can tell you a lot if you take a closer look:
• What events are you leaving out of your edit of the story?
• What do you focus on when you tell the story to other people?
• What events did you react the most strongly to?
For example, were you left out of a meeting? Did someone make a decision without consulting you? Did someone take the credit for your work? Were you accused of spreading gossip?
Your strongest reaction
Once you can pinpoint the event(s) that you are the most upset about, that can show you why you so were triggered by it. We can be more upset than other people about the same thing because we prioritise values differently.
For example, for some people being on time is super important. They feel disrespected if other people are late, as if the other people do not value their time as much as their own. If a joke is made about them being late, they can be very offended.
If you make a joke about me being late, I will laugh and throw banter back at you, because I am not so worried about being punctual. However, if I think you have ordered me to do something, and I don’t think it is your place to do so, I may overreact to that because I strongly value my autonomy and freedom.
If we can identify our strongest values and take responsibility for managing our own reactions when they feel threatened, we are less likely to stay stuck in conflict.
Taking back your power
I want to offer you a reframe. When you move on from conflict, you are not “giving in”. Rather, I see it as you taking back your power. The key is to move on, on your terms.
Conflict feasts on your expectation that the other person needs to put things right. Lenski notes that “when you rely on the other person to change what they’re doing, and connect their actions to your happiness, you hand over power [to them]”.
To move on, you need to stop focusing on the past. This is natural because we know what happened — who said what, who did that, who’s to blame. Yet, do we really know?
And even when you feel sure you remember the exact details, ask yourself:
• Do you really want to be stuck reliving them?
• What do you want for yourself from now on?
• What can you do to make this possible for yourself, that does not rely on the other person’s behaviour or thinking to change?
Some people aren’t ready to “pivot” like this. I have been called condescending when I raise these steps with them. To be honest, when people react like that, I think their identity is shaped by the story they are stuck in. They don’t know how do to life without it.
Ultimately, whether you “pivot” or not is your choice. As someone who values autonomy and freedom, this framework works really well for me. If you want more peace in your life in 2025, I recommend you try it (even if “pivoting” is a little out of fashion).
Kate Keddell is director of Balance Consultancy.
